A Horse Of Many Colours

Just about two weeks from my first anniversary as a Post Op person. That’s happened so disturbingly quickly, I almost have whiplash from the speed.

It’s been a really difficult year, not at all what I’d hoped for. But despite itself, it’s delivered me to a pretty good place. Mostly because it’s the first year I’ve felt I was starting to do Adult properly. That’s Capital A adult, not XXX adult, for the sake of clarity.

The many faces of Janus

It’s just seemed like 2018 has been unceasingly cruel. To my friends, people around us and, more personally, my own family. But at the same time, it’s been a year I’ve also been able to look backwards. And accidentally discover, I regret pretty much nothing.

I’m not made of Teflon but no matter how things have been, I’m lucky in that nothing bad has ever stuck with me for very long. You learn, you grow and you eventually cope. So today, the pics above document a decade of my transition. From early steps to almost right now and each from a memory I enjoy. With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I can now see that I was always happy. Occasionally confused but actually ALWAYS happy.

Which means that no matter how 2018 ends, I’ll maybe be able to look backwards again later. And see that,whether it felt like it or not, it did hold happy times too. That feels like quite a grown up plan to go forward with. My grip on my world has never been tighter. Writing this is definitely enough adulting for today though.


The Green, Green Grass Of Home

I’d sort of lost my place with this blog. Too much going on in real life and for a little while there, I just found no joy in writing anything down. Unfortunately for you though, that is no longer the case.

This week my country actually made me a little bit proud. It often does. Even though we are small, we sometimes just get things right.

This was one of a series of posters that appeared in Glasgow in the last week. Others mentioned homophobes, disability, racism. And they are paid for by the Police and our government.

It’s exceptionally gratifying to live in a country that’s trying to tackle these issues. I certainly believe I couldn’t have transitioned anywhere better than here. Biased as that may be. But I know everyone isn’t so lucky. Even just for today I’m happy to see such tangible progress. The rest of the UK should watch out. Positivity might seep over the border. Kind of really glad to be Scottish though, because I love how we roll.


Hole Lotta Love

Been sort of lazy blogging as my own life has been somewhat difficult of late. So a blog is frankly the last of my fucking concerns. But at the same time, life does just continue to just march onwards.

And that’s actually a good thing. Sometimes I perhaps need a kick in my now metaphorical balls and a reminder to get a grip and get on with living.

A part of that living is necessarily about me beginning to understand what it means to have an entirely new organ to accommodate. Although that is exactly where things start to spectacularly fall down.

I pretty much have no idea what I’m doing at this moment. By that I mean that I’ve transitioned but now what do I do? I thought I’d have more answers.

In the cold light of day, maybe I should have expected this. And it’s not without it’s uses. I’m more centred and confident than I’ve ever known. But I lack purpose. That’s a post for another day. But to take the positive from my situation, at least nothing feels impossible. Good enough today.

Medically Speaking

Just What The Doctor Ordered

Not managed to blog for a handful of weeks. Been finding 2018 a little emotionally relentless and despite trying to stay positive, I’d wound up feeling a bit tied to the tracks of my tears. And definitely a little lost. For words at least.

And then a fairly random unplanned opportunity meant I found myself going out last weekend. Something I really don’t get to do all that much in my current circumstances. But an unexpected prescription for fun was more than welcomed.

To be taken as required

Really can’t fully explain how much I genuinely needed a night out. Or ever suitably illustrate just how important it was to be out with my oldest friends, in our own city, seeing a band (see above) that has soundtracked some massive moments in all of our lives. I can explain that I didn’t know how much I needed it though.

2018 has just been an unfortunately consistently painful year so far. That doesn’t really need further explanation. We’ve all had those sorts of times. Happens. But to have one night where every single shitty second of it evaporated, was not something I could have planned for. But life was briefly sublime.

So although this year won’t ever be one I’ll remember all that fondly, last weekend will always be one of my favourite memories I think. And a few hours of being entirely carefree has kind of kick started some optimism and recharged my batteries just enough to still be smiling a week later. And actually, honestly, almost completely stitched back together.



Blog had an unexpected stats boost this week. Calie from California shared my page on a list of Trans related blogs. Which meant a surprising upsurge in visits and especially visitors from other countries.

This little blog normally mostly gets seen by folk from the UK or USA. But this week I’ve had Canada, Ireland, Spain, France, Australia, Belgium, New Zealand, Netherlands and Japan pop by too. I’m totally delighted with that!

Tar very much!

So today’s post is really just to say thanks to Calie for including me and bringing some new folk my way. To return the favour, you can find her links page here and some more about her there. Enjoy your Sunday x


The Domino’s Effect

Not actually encountered any straightforward prejudice or downright ignorance for a good while. So was a little under prepared and unguarded when it happened out of the blue on Thursday while out shopping.

Didn’t have to actually even be in the store it happened in either, Domino’s in Newton Mearns (Glasgow). Because the three idiots involved were more than audible from the pavement outside their store. For all 10 minutes of their hugely uneducated discourse on gender.

Hold the personal commentary please!

Part of me wants to allow that it was just happenstance. But the odds against their particularly loud conversation taking place just as the only visible Transgender person for miles was standing right outside their store strike me as being astronomical.

But here’s the rub, I most probably will face this periodically for the rest of my life. And that, for me, does necessitate just having to almost totally let go of anger. I genuinely cannot fight every single one of those battles. No matter how satisfying it would be to break someone’s jaw at the time. I’m sure you’ve been there with that red mist of justifiable rage at some point. Ignorance and injustice will simply always push my buttons.

To give into that though? And to give them a reaction? I’m trying, fairly successfully, to move beyond that. It is what it is, they are what they are and I am most definitely a happier thing than any of them. On the up side, what I am does not rhyme with hunts.


Proud To Be Out

Today is the final day of the Pride Celebrations here in Glasgow. It’s Pride season in general I suppose but it’s the first time in a while that I’ve taken a step back from it.

Not that I’m not celebrating it but just not feeling as involved this year. And my celebration necessarily just has to be smaller and more personal in it’s nature for the time being.

The Pride march in Glasgow is usually pretty impressive on it’s own anyway. This year’s was slightly different in that it was led by the leader of the Scottish Parliament. So I’m kind of sorry I missed it.

There are two things I love about that though. Firstly that we have a commitment to equality in Scotland. And secondly, that our own leader had better things to do than massage Trump’s ego on his unwelcome visit to these shores. Best political V sign of the week. Potentially even the year.