Transition

It’s Chriiiiiistmaaaaas!

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This is my fourth Christmas separate from my family. But this is definitely a happy post. Despite everything, I love this time of year. I’m getting to spend it with some of my oldest friends and their children. I really couldn’t ask for anything better. Family is more than who you share parents with.

 And I’m so looking forward to spending time with them. Although I still hope to eventually spend another with my actual family, it’s just a warmth I welcome.

Just maybe my Mum taking a stand will be the catalyst to make that happen. Not that it matters. I don’t love my family any less because of where we are right now. It is what it is.

I hope they’re happy, I hope you’re happy and I know that I’m happy enough for everyone to be honest. Have yourself a fantastic day. I know I’m going to. And then we are onto the New Year. And it’s endless possibilities for all of us. Told you it was a happy post x

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Transition

Goosed

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Today is my brother’s 40th birthday. We remain entirely estranged. And that is awful. More than ever I want to see and speak to him and to tell him how much he matters.

But that is not going to happen and I have learned to be OK with that. I need to respect his position and as difficult as it is, just allow him to be.

But I hope to show him this site one day and for him to know he was never forgotten, never unloved and never ever far from my thoughts.

One of my favourite memories is the day my first brother came home with us in a yellow cortina. The older amongst you can work out my age group from that alone. It was the most exciting day of my life at the time.

I miss and love him daily but time will bring us together I hope. Till then it’s enough that he is healthy, happy and well. And I know that he is. That’s good enough for now.

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Transition

Will I Be Able To Play The Piano?

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So, Tuesday’s news has just about sunk in and I now have a tornado of about a thousand questions that I need answered. 

Most are hugely practical if I’m honest. I find myself wondering about a diverse range of things. Post operative continence, the reality of dilation on a daily basis, the statistical occurrence of complications following surgery.

And in case anyone thinks I haven’t really thought this through, I’ve even considered the possibility of dementia. How horrifying would it be to regress to a point I forgot I was Transgender? I’ll take my chances but this has always been an informed decision in any case. No operation is without risk.

The biggest single question might surprise you. Do I need surgery in order to be happy? The answer surprised me. Emphatically no. I’m not looking to be fixed in any way. It would just be nice for inside and outside to match really. That’s how simple it all boils down to.

The best part of my week though was being able to tell the people that matter most to me the news of my unexpected progress. But whatever I decide once I have answers to my questions, I very much feel I am supported. I can’t put a price on that. And if I haven’t ever thanked you to your face? Trust me, it’s a given. I’d have been lost without you. And I need that help even more now. I am not an island. Despite my attempts to the contrary. But to get back to the positive, it’s nearly a new year and possibility looms large. I hope it’s fantastic for all of us. Keep your fingers crossed.

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Been a wee bit lazy with the blog for a couple of weeks. But that’s because things are generally going alright. I feel tangible progress and that’s not something I’m always able to measure.

Finished up with speech therapy for now and although far from perfect, I’m starting to grasp how to change my voice with less conscious effort and close to being able to do it at will. 

And I’ve just had my second opinion in order to get to see the surgeon. Was actually offered another surprise cancellation and it’s saved me months of waiting. So it’s all good, I’m in the queue and early 2017 is soon enough.

The best and equally worst bit is that at around two and a half years, hormones seem to be kicking in properly. I can literally see physical change happening now. Which is also scary but exciting and probably what I always looked forward to most. Like the best sort of Christmas present.The moodswings aside.

The change itself has been fantastic though but there was another surprise gift attached. Relative anonymity. I still occasionally come to the attention of the small minded but mostly day to day, I rarely get noticed. Which is pretty awesome when I think about it. 

So, all in I’m not in too bad a place as this year draws to a close. I won’t be sorry to let 2016 go at all. Parts of it have been grim but I’ve survived it at least. And 2017 should now offer surgery finally. Which will mean whole new challenges.I have plenty to look forward to either way. Back in a cheerily optimistic glass is half full mood. Because that’s just how 2017 needs to be.