Oh, there you are! Not been back here in an age. Mostly because life was trundling along all by itself and for a while, I had nothing much of consequence to offload online. I suppose that’s maybe not a bad place to have been.
Today is a little different though. It’s the first anniversary of my Mum’s death. And I don’t know where I am with that. Except that I am probably more than a little lost. In every way.
It’s been a strangely, kind of, pedestrian year though. Sometimes I’ve felt I’ve been moving very steadily forward. Often I’ve maybe been hurtling backwards. The direction of that travel hasn’t really mattered all that much to me at any point. Life still just happens anyway.
But here we are, a year in, somehow. And missing her just continues to gnaw away at me. Although the notion to continuously call her has abated for now. It only occurs to me about twenty times a day.
However certain I am about the loss I feel, I’m still a million miles from actually grieving properly. Possibly because I don’t really want to lose the thought that I could just call her right now. Because entirely acknowledging she’s gone might make that idea recede somewhere I can’t find again.
But the rest of today will now very much be about celebrating her. Because there’s only so far weeping and contemplation of your navel will ever actually get you. And that wasn’t what my Mum was all about. I was lucky to have had her here for as long as I did, and particularly, for her just always being the Mum that I needed and the best friend I could ever have asked for. Cause enough to celebrate. Always and forever.