I’m rapidly reaching the end of my 2 year Real Life Experience. Which means surgery appears ever larger as an option. An option which will require me to jump through more medical hoops I expect. And an option that will not come without it’s own difficulties, both physically and mentally. For all that I would stand to gain, there is an inevitable loss that has to be made to get where I want. And that’s a little bit terrifying. My life is still ticking along pretty nicely. I am still pretty much accepted by my friends and colleagues and society at large seems to find my presence tolerable. At a glance I think most people don’t determine my gender based on what genitalia they believe I might have. And neither do I. I am still wary of a huge operation that changes things forever. It may be the most important decision I’ve ever had to make and I’m not remotely casual about it. So I’m going to start the ball rolling with the Gender Clinic. Not for some fast track femininity but just a discussion on the Pro’s and Con’s of surgery and whether I need it to be happy. I suspect not but I’m 99.5% sure that I will have surgery. When I am good and ready. And on a sensible timescale, two years seems awfully quick to decide and that 0.5% says “Repent at leisure”. I am fairly lucky that I am not Body Dysmorphic though. Other than the fact I am pretty skinny, I am not distressed at all by the body I have. Also a lucky place to be. But it’s probably time to start taking this more seriously. Maybe practice my speech therapy properly and wrap my head around where I’m going with this. All of this seems like a grown up sort of plan. And that is truly terrifying.