Continuing on a theme from last week, I didn’t arrive where I am without asking a lot of questions. Mostly of myself. If you have never questioned your own gender then I really wouldn’t ever expect you to understand what that feels like. But it’s really very confusing and, if I’m completely honest, at times a little distressing. Especially when all you have ever been taught indicates that there is something awfully wrong with you. Until you somehow stumble across your own little bit of acceptance and allow your life to take off on an interesting little turn.
It’s a bit like moving from Cathode Ray to Full HD for the first time. When my questions finally had an answer I was able to suddenly surge forward with my life. And I do know the exact moment that I reluctantly, at the time, accepted I was a Transsexual person. But although it was an Eureka moment, it was absurdly lacking in celestial light. It was much more pedestrian in nature and only soundtracked by the drop of that solitary penny. I sat on my couch and unexpectedly the decision made itself. All of a sudden. If you can imagine.
I had hoped that moment was going to be the solution to everything. It just wasn’t. It was the springboard to a million more questions, each clambering desperately for my attention. And all I can do is look for answers to each of them as best I can on a daily basis. Sometimes I confidently know exactly how to and sometimes I’m almost completely in the dark. But that’s entirely fine, I don’t think anybody gets to do much better in life.
The biggest question of all is how to be a woman. Other than learned behaviour, I’ve no more idea how to than I did how to be a man. But I am quite good at being me. And I know who and what I am. That’s a comfortable plateau to reach after an unfathomably long climb. And a definite place of safety from which to continue working out just what kind of woman I might want to be. I’ll have to figure that out as I go along. I have plenty of help available. I’m grateful for all of it.
But those little worries, that live in the darkest parts of you, do try to caution you that you will never ever be a woman and that you may never ever be accepted fully as such. I’m as surprised as anyone to discover that I’m very much OK with that too. I’m a Transgender Female. If that’s all I’m ever seen as, I’ll still be perfectly happy. Because, although I don’t have all the answers I’m looking for yet, life does make sense. And that feels pretty satisfactory to me. Apparently the glass is half full today.