Planes, Trains And Automobiles

I don’t normally blog on a Tuesday but I might be a bit out of it tomorrow so I’m a day early. An exciting wee day that represents the end of this part of the journey. But which involves travelling by just about every means possible. Except boat. Unless I can shoehorn a boat in somewhere between Gatwick and Brighton.

Headed off to Gatwick around lunchtime though and should be checked into my hospital bed in Brighton for 6pm. And then I have absolutely no idea what the hell to do with myself. The journey itself is providing welcome distraction and just something for me to focus on. I’m expecting a sleepless night later as I take it all in. Although they may have something for that.

But before I go anywhere, just a last minute thanks to everyone who has supported me in all manner of ways. Took the wind from my sails as I’d never imagined that people would be so accepting when I started this. A pleasant surprise and something I’ll not easily forget.

I’m going to try to blog tomorrow too, once it’s all over. Dependant on pain levels, the quality of pharmaceuticals on offer and being slightly wary of posting while possibly out of my tiny tits. But for now, it’s all aboard and full steam ahead. Arrivederci!


Real Girl

Now just days away from being a “real” girl and I am not really sure how I feel. Amazingly positive for sure but it is not without feeling terribly scared. Surely it’s OK to say so?

I am happy though. Very, as it happens. But also very frightened. How could I not be? The enormity of my transition weighs heavily. I’m 99.7% certain but I of course have those little doubts too.

But to feel trepidation so keenly strikes me as exactly where I ought to be. I will never do anything that changes my life so massively again. It just deserves that consideration.

Now only three days to go, I probably need help more than ever. Just to make it over the finish line. However unspoken, this blog got me there. I was never really speaking to anyone but you about how it felt. About the unknown really. And it’s strangely comforting to speak to you last. We’re nearly there. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.


Am I Right? A Meringue

A week to go. Think my poor Mammy is more nervous than me. She keeps reminding me that I don’t have to do anything I’m not sure about. It’s actually very sweet. It’s probably the only way she can tell me how worried she is about my operation. And what it means. I wish I could reassure her beyond telling her I’m sure about what I’m doing.

But I am sure enough. That it’s the right thing to do for me. Although I do have that sort of “Repent at leisure” notion still nipping at my heels. I do think that to have this sort of worry is pretty healthy. I can’t possibly be entirely sure. Can I?

I don’t think it matters to be honest. I am doing it. End of. And the finality that scares my Mum so much is OK with me. It’s exactly what the last four years have been about. And it’s as exciting as it is scary, as it is so definitely final.

I think my Mum is perhaps already grieving her son. I can’t blame her for that at all. But she’s coming several hundred miles to get me from Brighton and bring me back home which speaks volumes about her. My room at hers is ready ahead of our return. Which tells me how much effort she’s making for me. An amazing woman. If I use her as a template I hopefully can’t go too far wrong. Not sure I can though. Broke the mould with her.




Where To Next?

Trying something a little different with today’s video choice. A little Positive Mental Attitude from the genius of Dr Seuss. Something I stumbled across but which just about covers where I am.

Which is largely speaking a positive place. A week and a half left to go. With a life that is mostly free from the negative. I am exceptionally lucky. Finished this week having dinner with two of the people who particularly helped to steer my journey. I feel lucky to have had them. I hope they know that too.

And there are others I very much need to see before the next step. And I will make the time to see them. I’d definitely never have got this far without their acceptance of my situation. I’ll need them ever more going forward. Probably daily at the beginning.

But I’m fairly happy as we reach the end of this stage of things. I am both ridiculously excited, like butterflies on crack, and tremendously calm. Simultaneously. If that’s possible.

The blog may start to take a back seat for now. Although I’ve planned the period that covers my operation since before I ever typed a single word. I will report on that. The songs were chosen years ago. Until then, time to buckle up and just enjoy the ride onwards.


Running Out Of Thyme

Two weeks from now I’ll be done with the nuts and bolts part of my transition. But I very much doubt that will be the end of the journey. The practicalities of even just having new plumbing are not lost on me. But it’s an exciting time all the same.

I’m winding down at work, back in my own home and starting to have enough moments to myself to give some last minute consideration ahead of surgery. Not that the decision isn’t made. But it’s a huge goodbye to a lot of things for me. And parts of it are a little sad.

I won’t be a son or a brother any more. Although I’d hope it was more than mere genitalia that ever qualified me in either regard. The first is a larger concern as my Mother will have to come to grips with that cosmic shift as much as I do. She’s done pretty well up till now. I do think we’ll make it the rest of the way.

Not being a brother is a little more complicated. I’ve not been allowed to be one this last few years. And although I’ve made my peace with that, I’m sorry they’re not here for this part of my journey. I can’t ever give them their brother back once it’s done. I’ll always regret that it ended that way. Although my hand was kind of forced.

But there will be time enough,  I hope, to allow me one last attempt at contact. I’m just thinking of an email at the moment. Nothing too complicated. Just that they are loved. And missed. And I’m sorry it’s like this. Deep down, I believe they might be too. It boils down to “better late than never” in the end. And it’s worth a try if nothing else.




Keeping Calm

The final push has arrived somewhat suddenly. I am less than two and a half weeks from my surgery. And I’m suddenly very grateful. For every single person that came with me till now.

That’s the family that did, my amazingly kind friends, my wonderful work colleagues and every single last stranger that made this journey a little bit easier. I owe you all. And I’m tremendously grateful. Even if I couldn’t tell you that to your face. It mattered to me. I was never disappointed by the efforts other people made to accommodate me.

In truth, I was blessed with kindness and acceptance and I will never forget it. It was above and beyond what I ever imagined I could have had. And no matter  how small a part people played, collectively they helped deliver me to this finish line.

And now, here I am. Almost exactly finished. Barring a surgery that is only nominal. I would not be the woman I am today without every single person who chose to help me along my way. I wish I could thank everyone properly but perhaps this medium might be good enough. You helped make me. And I love you for it. And that’s as totes emosh as I ever get. Bite me! Just to even it back out. Now I just need to take in a single breath, relax and get ready to sprint over that line.


Slightly Wayward

Been a little bit distracted of late but here I am with just three and a half weeks to go till my surgery. That has swung around kind of quickly. Too quickly for me to experience any kind of panic.

If anything, I just feel hugely positive. All things are possible. And there is little wrong in my life. That’s really not a bad place to be taking this journey from.

But don’t think I’m not scared. I am. Not of surgery. Or the future as such. I’m scared of my recovery in the main. I wouldn’t be the first post op woman to be visited by depression. And although I kind of want a dog, I’m not planning on the black one. My life doesn’t have space for it just now.

I do worry about managing the weeks that lie ahead though. I’m not sure exactly how I’ll cope. But I’m hugely stubborn which might actually be a positive in this case. I don’t intend to give into anything and I have good people all around me. And the time before me to sit back, relax and just try to breathe. It’ll all be done soon enough. Blink and you’ll miss it 😉