Relatively Speaking, Transition

They Always Said That You Knew Best

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been here. The short version is simpler to explain. My Mum passed away. Knowing it was coming did not make it feel any easier. But I’m not in the mood for despondency.

I’m determined that the rest of my life is going to be about the positives. A tone largely set by her funeral. A day I dreaded that turned out to be one of the most comforting and enjoyable experiences you could imagine. It was so good that I forgot to be sad. Surreal as that was.

Although it’s still early days, I have mostly continued to forget to be sad for the last fortnight. I’ll admit to pockets of tears but on the whole, I’m mostly just grateful for all that she was.

My own journey was only ever completed because of her acceptance. She even travelled 500 miles to bring me home after surgery. Which she could not be talked out of. She took Motherhood kind of seriously. And I’ll miss that. Just having someone totally in your corner. God bless her little cotton socks.

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Transition

Things That Make You Go Hymn

I am the worst sort of Lapsed Catholic. So I began 2018 with that sort of mindset. And everything served up this year has only continued to push me further away from the idea of a right and just God.

All that 2018 has actually delivered has been difficulty upon difficulty, to the point that any residual faith I might have harboured has finally evaporated.

Which makes it incredibly frustrating that my current Go To coping mechanism is actually Catholic Hymns. I hate it. I have very little to thank God for at present. And yet, I continue to find myself constantly singing songs about a God I don’t really believe in.

I can’t reconcile any kind of entity that would visit such a torturous year on my family, with anything I was taught to believe. And I lack the finesse to explain in words just how disappointed I am. But frustratingly, I still find myself belting out these bloody hymns with gusto every day. How’s that for a subconscious trick? Once a Catholic.

You might have gathered that this is a venting sort of post. I make zero apologies for that. It’s just an online diary anyway really. And today I’m just feeling a little broken and this is where I come when I am. Next time I’ll maybe cover faulty vaginas and returning them within the warranty period. Or something less serious. God willing.

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Transition

Milestone

Today is exactly a year since I had my Gender Reassignment Surgery. So the born again me is technically one. There should probably have been balloons and maybe there was an argument for some sort of celebratory cake. But there isn’t.

Not because I’m not genuinely pleased. It’s just that it has turned out a more mundane anniversary than I thought it would be. I’m more or less just getting on with life. No regrets at all. And I pretty much don’t remember how it ever felt to be any different anyway. Which I really don’t think is such a bad thing.

Birthday Blowout

I’ve probably been quietly celebrating for 365 days in any case, so the need to really mark the occasion just wasn’t there. I got where I wanted to be, despite how difficult it sometimes may have been. But if I was going to note anything at all about it, it could only ever be all of those people who came with me from the very start.

Without good friends, I don’t think I would have managed the journey as intact. And without the common decency of total strangers it would have been next to impossible. Obviously there were the one’s that frequently weren’t anywhere near decent too. A vocal enough minority. But it’s a happy time, I carry no grudges towards them and wish them no ill. So I’ll even go as far as to raise my glass and dedicate today’s tune to those particular folk. Chin chin! And God Bless their little cotton socks. Happy enough for everybody today.

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