Transition

Running Out Of Thyme

Two weeks from now I’ll be done with the nuts and bolts part of my transition. But I very much doubt that will be the end of the journey. The practicalities of even just having new plumbing are not lost on me. But it’s an exciting time all the same.

I’m winding down at work, back in my own home and starting to have enough moments to myself to give some last minute consideration ahead of surgery. Not that the decision isn’t made. But it’s a huge goodbye to a lot of things for me. And parts of it are a little sad.

I won’t be a son or a brother any more. Although I’d hope it was more than mere genitalia that ever qualified me in either regard. The first is a larger concern as my Mother will have to come to grips with that cosmic shift as much as I do. She’s done pretty well up till now. I do think we’ll make it the rest of the way.

Not being a brother is a little more complicated. I’ve not been allowed to be one this last few years. And although I’ve made my peace with that, I’m sorry they’re not here for this part of my journey. I can’t ever give them their brother back once it’s done. I’ll always regret that it ended that way. Although my hand was kind of forced.

But there will be time enough,  I hope, to allow me one last attempt at contact. I’m just thinking of an email at the moment. Nothing too complicated. Just that they are loved. And missed. And I’m sorry it’s like this. Deep down, I believe they might be too. It boils down to “better late than never” in the end. And it’s worth a try if nothing else.

 

 

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Transition

Keeping Calm

The final push has arrived somewhat suddenly. I am less than two and a half weeks from my surgery. And I’m suddenly very grateful. For every single person that came with me till now.

That’s the family that did, my amazingly kind friends, my wonderful work colleagues and every single last stranger that made this journey a little bit easier. I owe you all. And I’m tremendously grateful. Even if I couldn’t tell you that to your face. It mattered to me. I was never disappointed by the efforts other people made to accommodate me.

In truth, I was blessed with kindness and acceptance and I will never forget it. It was above and beyond what I ever imagined I could have had. And no matter  how small a part people played, collectively they helped deliver me to this finish line.

And now, here I am. Almost exactly finished. Barring a surgery that is only nominal. I would not be the woman I am today without every single person who chose to help me along my way. I wish I could thank everyone properly but perhaps this medium might be good enough. You helped make me. And I love you for it. And that’s as totes emosh as I ever get. Bite me! Just to even it back out. Now I just need to take in a single breath, relax and get ready to sprint over that line.

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Uncategorized

Slightly Wayward

Been a little bit distracted of late but here I am with just three and a half weeks to go till my surgery. That has swung around kind of quickly. Too quickly for me to experience any kind of panic.

If anything, I just feel hugely positive. All things are possible. And there is little wrong in my life. That’s really not a bad place to be taking this journey from.

But don’t think I’m not scared. I am. Not of surgery. Or the future as such. I’m scared of my recovery in the main. I wouldn’t be the first post op woman to be visited by depression. And although I kind of want a dog, I’m not planning on the black one. My life doesn’t have space for it just now.

I do worry about managing the weeks that lie ahead though. I’m not sure exactly how I’ll cope. But I’m hugely stubborn which might actually be a positive in this case. I don’t intend to give into anything and I have good people all around me. And the time before me to sit back, relax and just try to breathe. It’ll all be done soon enough. Blink and you’ll miss it 😉

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Transition

You Know The Nearer Your Destination….

Time is beginning to move terribly quickly. I don’t necessarily believe that this is a bad thing but I am very aware that the days of my old life are numbered. And there is a little bit of sadness attached to that.

I don’t know that I’ve really given people enough time to adjust but the harsh reality is that it’s now happening whether any of us are ready or not. And I’m kind of sorry for that. There’s so many conversations I planned to have with the folk that I love and so many times that life just got in the way. In my life. And theirs.

But it’s a positive time too. I’m so almost there that the change is tangible. I’m looking forward to all that life is about to have to offer. And about as prepared as I think I can be. There are no definites I can promise myself. It’s going to be a challenge. But for a change, one that I entirely welcome.

I wish I had more time to fix the things I didn’t do so well though. But I hope folk understand that I always wanted to and may yet be able to in some form. It will just be different is all. And despite the song choice, it’s very definitely me that will be sticking around. I’m not slipping anywhere. Especially away. Couldn’t have got here without the folk I have. Won’t be able to get any further without them either. And that’s as Totes Emosh as I get for one post. Next time let’s do the upcoming joys of dilation. Mindbending trying to pick a song for that though!

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Transition, Uncategorized

Season Of The Bitch

Really not looking forward to this week at all. Tomorrow I’m giving up smoking. And then on Wednesday I’m saying my Goodbyes to Oestrogen for a while and my Testosterone blocker for ever.

I find all of that a little scary. I’ve stopped smoking before. That was grim enough without the hormonal element. But I’m reminding myself it’s all for a good cause.

It’s just over 6 weeks till my surgery and that’s the reason for all of this. Stopping smoking is arguably one of the most positive outcomes I could aim for, even without the operation, and I have to recognise it would be better for me if I can stay stopped afterwards.

But a barrel of laughs it won’t be. I apologise in advance to my nearest and dearest as I hated trying to stop before. But I did and I can again. The main thing is that the countdown has started and that’s a good enough reason to make the change. God help us all!

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Transition

Keeping The Wolves At Bay

An interesting week emotionally. To put it simply, I’m all over the place. Not at all necessarily a bad thing. Just adjusting to having an operation date has meant even more questions and finding myself scrambling for even more answers. But I’m getting there. Mostly.

The biggest of my current fears is a fairly standard “I’ll never be accepted as a real woman” worry that has been with me since the very start of this process. However, the current answer to this niggling little question is “So what?”. I don’t really believe that it’s true and I’m starting to be of the opinion that I don’t care anyway. I am the thing that I am, whatever that is, and I’m seemingly pretty happy with that day to day.

That I do have such worries seems appropriate enough though. Given that I’m now on a clock ticking towards my final transition. I have around two months to sort it all out in my head and I’m confident that’s more than enough time. But the eerie calm that I was enjoying up till now has definitely evaporated.

I’m sort of holding on to the notion that nothing much will actually change. Other than major replumbing works, it’s not like anything else about me is being overhauled. And I’ll probably find other things to worry and freak out about once my long awaited metamorphosis is done anyway. I just need to knuckle down and make it through the next few weeks to my surgery. And then I’ll be like a dog with an extra tail to wag. One would hope not literally though. 

Awoo

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Transition

At One With Yourself

I promised you a freakout post at some point. It’s totally today. Exactly eight weeks from now I will have the surgery this entire journey has been ambling towards. I’m not ashamed to say that’s a little bit terrifying to put down in words.

That I have a date for my operation is of course ecstatically good. I can’t pretend I am not entirely exhilarated. But now is the scariest time of all. Because it’s finally real and now all of my wants and fears are locked into battle to see just which of them unsettles me the most. A standup knockdown fight between getting what I want and, well, getting what I want.

This is a freakout post so I am convinced it’s OK if that doesn’t make much sense to you. It’s only a couple of days since I got my date and everything that’s ever been in my head about transition seems wildly amplified. Although it’s hardly the first time I’ve weighed the Pro’s and Con’s either. I’m not that stupid.

But it is something, as a decision, that I’m alone with. To have gotten to this point feels amazing. I’m lucky to have had plenty of company along the way to help me but the next bit is all on me. But I think I’m going to be OK with it all. I’ve been singing my wee heart out to myself which is usually a good sign. That my brain chose “One is the loneliest number” to be my earworm, not so much. I’ve never ever been alone in any of this. Think I’m going to concentrate on that till we’re over the finish line. A couple of passengers lighter. Don’t worry,  they’re going to live on a really nice farm  😉

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