Mind How You Go

Transition remains probably the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. But it’s also easily the most positive. For everything it’s taken from me, it’s given me something better in return.

It’s given me perspective, confidence and, eventually, even the truest sense of peace. Things I could not claim to have had in abundance beforehand. Although it may have been a somewhat rocky road to find this out.

I still don’t have any more answers than the next person but I’m spectacularly sort of good with it. The simplest advice I do have for anyone is “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. Concentrate on the here and now and try living in it. The rest will take care of itself. How’s that for positive? Despite my car crash kind of life, I’m very accidentally in a supremely good place. You’re welcome to visit. I’ll put the kettle on.

I do know that today’s song is about Vishnu and that picture is a floating Buddha though. So what? If a God floats your boat, I don’t imagine they’d care much what you call them as long as you know their name. So when things get tricky, please remember Jesus always loves you. Everyone else still thinks you’re a (Insert Expletive Of Choice) though 😉

Full Throttle

Not really had a totally Too Much Information post for a bit. And it is still sort of a transition blog. Although transitioned is more accurate. But every day is still a school day and now there’s the stuff, I was too shy to ask about beforehand, that I should maybe talk about.

Which is basically me admitting that I have fuck all idea how to drive the new downstairs apparatus. It is most definitely not ideally suited to a novice owner. However, while I don’t wish to burn out the clutch on it’s inaugural voyage, I’d still at least like to get a few miles on the clock. So to speak.

Should probably have enquired more about how long full recovery really takes before having a complicated operation. But things looked shiny enough in the showroom and I went ahead without reading the small print. The cooling off period will definitely have expired by now.

Thankfully though, everything does clearly work. Mostly found that out by accident, rather than being a skilled pilot. But if you’re considering having the operation, you might want to factor in a little patience before you hit the road.

It’s not like there are Learner classes that you can sign up for. Although I can definitely imagine pootling along of an evening in a synchronised display, the little cardboard Learner V’s round our necks flapping enthusiastically as we finally reach optimum speed for blast off.

But still, just a word of caution to fellow travellers on the journey of transition. Be careful what you ask for, because when you finally get it, you might find the instructions are in a wholly foreign language. As long as you learn a word a day it’s not too bad but speedway racing it is not.

Sudden Thaw

At the risk of being a bit same-y I’m keeping on the theme of family for now. It’s the only thing that has ever really mattered to me. Despite a four and a half year blip, it still is.

Families are difficult. Goes without saying. They can be fraught relationships, although you love each other at the core of them. But when the chips are down, family is maybe the one thing that you have.

And now, after all that time, I’m speaking to all of mine daily. No less fraught than it was but just lines of communication open. That is a blessing in itself. It still feels precarious and even surreal. I had adjusted to my new reality. This other reality could still evaporate.

But I won’t live my life worrying about stuff like that. I’ll choose to take every moment for what it is. And I’m happier for it. The last fortnight has made it very easy to let go of everything that went before. There is no other way to move on.

I’m no fan of unsolicited advice but you’re reading this of your own free will so you’re going to get some. Life is short enough. All sorts of slights happen to you. Both real and perceived. Park them if you can and find common ground with those you are separated from.

You lose nothing by giving an inch. I’m not suggesting you bend to the point of breaking but olive branches are easy. Swallow some pride, fire off a text to that person knowing that it could be unrequited and then try to understand if it isn’t. But please, maybe just try. If it breaks the silence, it was worth it. And if not, it’s at least a sense of closure. But it’s always possible that the first move is your best move.

“Now there’s no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken”

(Madonna : Frozen)

Every Breath You Take

One glaring omission from this blog is possibly my Mum’s dog. Which is fairly remiss as he’s been a constant companion throughout my recovery. So he’s worth a post of his own.

He’s kept a faithful eye over me since November. I have never ever been in danger of assault or injury. Not on his watch anyway. And his surveillance of our leafy suburb has been truly epic. Nothing can happen in our street without his knowledge. And he has been every inch the dedicated sentry.

But although his efforts have been greatly appreciated, he is perhaps a little too effective for his own good. He has no filter and little concept of privacy. So there’s been no such thing as a bathroom break and even dilation is not something he accepts as a necessary moment of solitude. He just has my back at all times. Unfortunately that’s whether I like it or not.

Seems ungrateful to complain though. From him accompanying my naps, to vetting every car and seeing off the shifty cat from the other block, he’s put in an almighty shift. And despite security being tighter than Big Brother, I don’t think my recovery would have gone as well without him. Always been a dog person. But now even more so. You just can’t fault unconditional love.

Flabber? Meet Gasted

A lot can change in the space of just one week. And while what happened to me isn’t all that earth shattering, it seems the Cosmos took last weekend’s post to heart and threw out a lifeline.

So now I find myself in contact with both of the brothers I’ve been estranged from and kind of unsure exactly what broke the deadlock. Not that it matters. While nothing is fixed as such, there’s still just an electrical surge of joy in having spoken to them. Whether we are ever fixed remains to be seen but communication at least makes that a possibility. However remote.

Life has also taught me something new at least. It was when I felt the most utterly defeated and least expected to find any resolution that the universe handed me some hope.

There’s a lot to be let go of now, if any progress is going to be made. On all sides. And that’s OK. I kept insisting on the possibilities of tomorrow, perhaps to the point of total self delusion. But almost 1600 tomorrows later, the one I was waiting on turned up. And letting go just isn’t going to be a problem at my end. None of the anger or hurt is worth holding on to. It’s too early to be feeling truly optimistic but things just turned a corner, suddenly and inexplicably. And today is now the tomorrow I believed in yesterday.

I Started Something

The start of April saw me trundle into my six month of being Post Operative. Without much need for fanfare or a parade to be honest. Although I’m kind of surprised at just how quickly the previous months have spun past. It didn’t really take long at all for the new to become the normal.

I’m just about ready to return to the working world though and only a smidgen off of feeling fully fit now. And that’s the start of another journey itself. Because all that’s left is just getting on with my life. So I’m making preparations for that to happen.

The Inaugural Tour De Trans faced accusations it was a bit “samey”

The plan is now to get back to how things were. Sort of “Stop The World, I want to get On”. Having had the time needed to recover, at no great pace, I’m enthusiastic about taking my life back again. It’s just time to push on.

If all goes to plan, I’ll be back in the saddle come May. I can’t foresee any serious obstacles but kind of think baby steps might be required at the start. And God but I’m looking forward to it. To leave behind my cushioned cul de sac and the surveillance skills of the family poodle will be welcome. Almost ready, nearly steady, desperate to go on the green light. Or the starting pistol.

GBNF

Easter Sunday already. We’re whistling through 2018 at breakneck speed. Barely had time to get a grip on all that last year brought me and somehow scarily almost one third through this year already.

2017 did manage to deliver me plenty of resolution. In all sorts of areas. But it continued to fall down in the one area that actually matters to me and that’s just some sort of closure with my brothers.

Which means 2018, despite a shitty start, is already ahead of the game. Had contact with both brothers in the last month. Painful in both cases as neither are any further forward than they were in 2014 in terms of my transition. One will only have limited contact for a specific time in all our lives. The other insists I am somehow dead. Kind of going to be hard to appeal to his reason then.

But he can tell himself whatever nonsense allows him to sleep at night. When he last saw me I was perhaps living the stereotypical “trapped in the wrong body” scenario. Whether he likes it or not though, I’m the same clown inside mostly the same body. In fact, barring a superb refit of my external accommodation, nothing has changed about me. And I won’t ever be closing my own door to either of them because of that. Even though I seem to have a wildly different definition of what it means to be a brother. Our parents taught us “Two wrongs don’t make a right”. I choose to take that on board. But it is Easter anyway and there’s always hope and even after that there’s still always tomorrow. I’ll wait it out.