Knocked Down In May

Haven’t been bothered to write anything here for a week or so. 2018 has been relentlessly difficult and so I feel no shame in having circled my metaphorical wagons and just having allowed myself to regroup.

This year so far has been bullet pointed by illness, tragedy and unfortunately deaths. In my immediate family. And in those of the people that really matter to me. Despite my “Always Tomorrow” sort of outlook, I might have to admit to feeling occasionally just totally fucking defeated. Not really the happiest of bunnies right now.

But it does seem human enough to sometimes want the perpetual emotional poverty of this year to end. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with acknowledging that I sometimes feel beaten.

I’ve loads to look forward to though. I’m still building back torched bridges with family. Nights out are circled in the diary with decades old friends that help me make sense of it all. So plans for some sort of future are at the very forefront of things.

I totally know his shitty month will end. And I’ll still probably be picking myself up at the end of the next one. Because that’s just what Scottish folk do. In my defence, I already saw myself most of the way through May. I’ve been up and down and over and out. But being back in the race is certainly doable. Because today I have a day off from everything. And the phasers are set to Fun. Monday is fucking cancelled though. Possibly Tuesday. Wednesday is on standby only.


That Thing We Don’t Talk About

Today is sort of slap in the middle of Mental Health Awareness Week. It’s also my actual birthday. With each passing year, I grow more grateful that I’ve reached a positive headspace and I’m surviving pretty well. We aren’t all as lucky.

Mental Health isn’t just a thing that happens to other people though, it’s something we internally navigate each and every day. When things are stable, you are hardly aware of it but when things are tough, it can be tricky to spot that it’s not doing too well by yourself. And my point would be that this is OK. At least it is if you have people around you. Again, we aren’t all as lucky.

It’s so important to take care of yourself and, where you are able to, to take care of those around you. And it doesn’t take a lot. Just a friendly ear or an encouraging word here and there. Stress in the modern world is a given, coping with it isn’t always. The Mental Health Foundation are giving that issue particular focus in this year’s campaign. You can check it out here.

Don’t ever be afraid to speak to someone about your own mental health though. It’s vital. And to be entirely dramatic about it, it might save your life. And if you happen to feel you have nobody to do that with then there’s:-

Samaritans (UK) on 116 123

Samaritans (US) on 1(800)273-TALK

Breathing Space (Scotland) on 0800 83 85 87

NHS 24 (UK) on 111

Or find your own country here.

No matter what you could be feeling, someone is waiting to take your call. And it’s really always worth talking. So if this applies to you, please just call someone. It will be the best birthday gift you could give me. I don’t expect you to wrap it though.


Emergency Flares

Couple of decent days in Glasgow this week. Almost Taps Aff weather but not quite. Despite a little sunshine being great for my mood, I can barely believe that I am done for the most part with transition. But when I compare myself to the hesitant Her that started out in 2013, it’s also become increasingly clear that it’s been more of an evolution than a transition anyway.

Now five years later, I’ve clawed my way to a place of comfort within myself. Although it’s not the same place I had thought I was headed to at all. There’s been a few fashion wrong turns along the road admittedly but getting to grips with Womanhood is a gruelling enough assault course for anyone.

On crop of the world (Favourite trousers this year)

Importantly, how I define myself has become drastically more relaxed along the way. I just am what I am. I just like what I like. Which is currently manifesting itself in a brand new love affair with bold flares, bright colours and boyfriend cardigans. Things I wouldn’t necessarily have worn before, because they might attract too much attention, are now fair game. I kind of like it.

No longer have the time to care what others see either. Whether they see a man, a woman, or something else has just stopped mattering. My transition is over but I’m not yet done evolving though. My tastes, style, general demeanour and attitude are light years from where I started. And it’s still fun finding out where you can push personal envelopes. The nicest thing about right now though, is that the more I become Chrissy, the more of Chris remains. Like an old coat or a wardrobe staple, it’s still his skin I’m most comfortable in. I like that too. Balance keeps things steady.


Mixed Feelings

First of May is upon us, which means I’m celebrating my 6 month fanniversary. Not entirely sure if coined this expression first but definitely only person who’s tried to get it onto the Urban Dictionary site thus far.

But amazingly I’ve managed half a year already in my new life. And that’s reason enough to want to let my hair down.

People travelled for miles to marvel at the acoustics

It’s been amazingly quick. Though the days have largely melded into one now. I could probably do with some more routine but I’m still happy I took the time to adjust. And adjust you do.

I don’t really know how to explain how quickly your body accepts a new reality. But it just does. And my memory of life before the op is little more than nostalgia now. But it’s all good as I reach a happy little landmark. You might want to duck though, champagne corks may be flying everywhere this week.