Transition

It’s Alive!!!

Making reasonable progress with my post operative recovery but sadly yet to clap eyes on Frankenfanny in all it’s gory glory. That’s absolutely a joy reserved for  tomorrow.

Quite excited about seeing it finally. It’s the culmination of everything I’ve been through. We are going to be spending the rest of our lives together. Not even knowing what she looks like beforehand somehow seems a little strange when I consider the commitment. 

I only asked for a short back and sides!

Despite our lack of a proper introduction at this stage, I’m generally very pleased with how everything has went. Great effort from my surgeon and I could not be happier with the staff at Brighton Nuffield for their very kind attention. It’s been a wholly positive experience so far.

But I suppose my real transition just starts when I get out. I’ve probably only been doing the groundwork thus far. And now that everything matches up, I still have to learn to live with that. And what it means in practical terms. But thankfully, I’m still in a beautifully positive place, almost totally pain free and  happily excited for the future. Had much worse weekends than that 😉

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Transition

Feline Fine But No Longer A Tom Cat

So, if you are reading this at all then I didn’t freak out and escape through the hospital grounds into a waiting taxi. And as you do read this, it’s highly likely that my surgeon is just about ready to finish up.

But these are good times to be honest. Made it to the end of proceedings and went into surgery knowing I was in a pretty good place. I will wake up to no worse hopefully.

Still very appreciative of all the support I’ve had this week though. Despite travelling alone for my surgery it hasn’t felt like that at all. It’s been comfortable and easy and mostly I’ve just felt able to do this with confidence and calm. 

Think I might take a wee break from the blog for a few days now. Might not though. It’s not as if I’ll be going anywhere. Or my dance card is particularly full. Have a feeling I’ll be floating in a most peculiar way till the weekend. See you then 😉

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Transition

Planes, Trains And Automobiles

I don’t normally blog on a Tuesday but I might be a bit out of it tomorrow so I’m a day early. An exciting wee day that represents the end of this part of the journey. But which involves travelling by just about every means possible. Except boat. Unless I can shoehorn a boat in somewhere between Gatwick and Brighton.

Headed off to Gatwick around lunchtime though and should be checked into my hospital bed in Brighton for 6pm. And then I have absolutely no idea what the hell to do with myself. The journey itself is providing welcome distraction and just something for me to focus on. I’m expecting a sleepless night later as I take it all in. Although they may have something for that.

But before I go anywhere, just a last minute thanks to everyone who has supported me in all manner of ways. Took the wind from my sails as I’d never imagined that people would be so accepting when I started this. A pleasant surprise and something I’ll not easily forget.

I’m going to try to blog tomorrow too, once it’s all over. Dependant on pain levels, the quality of pharmaceuticals on offer and being slightly wary of posting while possibly out of my tiny tits. But for now, it’s all aboard and full steam ahead. Arrivederci!

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Transition

Real Girl

Now just days away from being a “real” girl and I am not really sure how I feel. Amazingly positive for sure but it is not without feeling terribly scared. Surely it’s OK to say so?

I am happy though. Very, as it happens. But also very frightened. How could I not be? The enormity of my transition weighs heavily. I’m 99.7% certain but I of course have those little doubts too.

But to feel trepidation so keenly strikes me as exactly where I ought to be. I will never do anything that changes my life so massively again. It just deserves that consideration.

Now only three days to go, I probably need help more than ever. Just to make it over the finish line. However unspoken, this blog got me there. I was never really speaking to anyone but you about how it felt. About the unknown really. And it’s strangely comforting to speak to you last. We’re nearly there. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me.

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Transition

Am I Right? A Meringue

A week to go. Think my poor Mammy is more nervous than me. She keeps reminding me that I don’t have to do anything I’m not sure about. It’s actually very sweet. It’s probably the only way she can tell me how worried she is about my operation. And what it means. I wish I could reassure her beyond telling her I’m sure about what I’m doing.

But I am sure enough. That it’s the right thing to do for me. Although I do have that sort of “Repent at leisure” notion still nipping at my heels. I do think that to have this sort of worry is pretty healthy. I can’t possibly be entirely sure. Can I?

I don’t think it matters to be honest. I am doing it. End of. And the finality that scares my Mum so much is OK with me. It’s exactly what the last four years have been about. And it’s as exciting as it is scary, as it is so definitely final.

I think my Mum is perhaps already grieving her son. I can’t blame her for that at all. But she’s coming several hundred miles to get me from Brighton and bring me back home which speaks volumes about her. My room at hers is ready ahead of our return. Which tells me how much effort she’s making for me. An amazing woman. If I use her as a template I hopefully can’t go too far wrong. Not sure I can though. Broke the mould with her.

 

 

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Transition

Where To Next?

Trying something a little different with today’s video choice. A little Positive Mental Attitude from the genius of Dr Seuss. Something I stumbled across but which just about covers where I am.

Which is largely speaking a positive place. A week and a half left to go. With a life that is mostly free from the negative. I am exceptionally lucky. Finished this week having dinner with two of the people who particularly helped to steer my journey. I feel lucky to have had them. I hope they know that too.

And there are others I very much need to see before the next step. And I will make the time to see them. I’d definitely never have got this far without their acceptance of my situation. I’ll need them ever more going forward. Probably daily at the beginning.

But I’m fairly happy as we reach the end of this stage of things. I am both ridiculously excited, like butterflies on crack, and tremendously calm. Simultaneously. If that’s possible.

The blog may start to take a back seat for now. Although I’ve planned the period that covers my operation since before I ever typed a single word. I will report on that. The songs were chosen years ago. Until then, time to buckle up and just enjoy the ride onwards.

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Transition

Running Out Of Thyme

Two weeks from now I’ll be done with the nuts and bolts part of my transition. But I very much doubt that will be the end of the journey. The practicalities of even just having new plumbing are not lost on me. But it’s an exciting time all the same.

I’m winding down at work, back in my own home and starting to have enough moments to myself to give some last minute consideration ahead of surgery. Not that the decision isn’t made. But it’s a huge goodbye to a lot of things for me. And parts of it are a little sad.

I won’t be a son or a brother any more. Although I’d hope it was more than mere genitalia that ever qualified me in either regard. The first is a larger concern as my Mother will have to come to grips with that cosmic shift as much as I do. She’s done pretty well up till now. I do think we’ll make it the rest of the way.

Not being a brother is a little more complicated. I’ve not been allowed to be one this last few years. And although I’ve made my peace with that, I’m sorry they’re not here for this part of my journey. I can’t ever give them their brother back once it’s done. I’ll always regret that it ended that way. Although my hand was kind of forced.

But there will be time enough,  I hope, to allow me one last attempt at contact. I’m just thinking of an email at the moment. Nothing too complicated. Just that they are loved. And missed. And I’m sorry it’s like this. Deep down, I believe they might be too. It boils down to “better late than never” in the end. And it’s worth a try if nothing else.

 

 

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