On Monday I found out that my funding for Gender Reassignment Surgery had been approved. Almost the endgame of everything I have worked to achieve. I should be as happy as a dog with two tails. Instead I am legitimately terrified of what I do next.
Please don’t misunderstand, Ive worked towards this for years but there is a huge gulf between a notional aim and that aim being within your grasp. I’m plain and simple scared of what happens now.
I happen to think that is a reasonable enough response to the circumstances though. What I am about to do will change my life irrevocably and there just isn’t any getting around that.
I am as excited as I have ever been because I see the fruition of everything I’ve been through, waiting tantalisingly nearby. But the enormity of it all has an exceptionally heavy weight. My mind is a little bit blown.
I’m not about to second guess myself though. I did this with a strong and very solid plan. I was also never alone on this journey. I had the best support I could have wished for. And you will likely never understand what every single Facebook Like or read of this blog gave me. It gave me strength. To know that I was allowed to try to do this. And I appreciated all of it.
I now get to see the surgeon and ask my questions. If I don’t like the answers then the journey may end there. No operation will ever give me exactly what I want. To be accepted. I already sort of have that because my friends and my city accommodated my transition. What more do I actually need?
Please do expect more freakout posts. I doubt I’ll be able to help it. My transition is no longer notional but happening. What you may not realise is that you have helped power my resolve. No matter how small. I love that you took the time to read my blog. It did empower me. You are entirely awesome to me. You just made me feel OK.