Stockholm Syndrome

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I’ve blogged about scrutiny and public comment aplenty since I started my transition. And I’ve had my (un)fair share of both. And then very recently it has just sort of seemed to stop. I wasn’t at the meeting when society decided I’d apparently done enough but something has definitely changed. And for a while I was probably just happy that it had. It was weeks before I even realised how well things were actually going though. And they still are.

But there’s a perversely masochistic admission to be made here. I find myself missing that scrutiny a tiny little bit. And even the unwanted commentary has a slightly nostalgic tinge to it, now that it’s mostly absent from my day.

I don’t know how to explain that to you. It’s absurd really. To sort of miss something that was usually reasonably traumatic as and when it occurred. Bizarrely that scrutiny gave me a sense of being different and perhaps as having something else entirely other to your experience. Most importantly, it eventually gave me strength. More than I ever thought I could muster.

But I was still very lucky. I genuinely believe that sort of scrutiny can make or break you. Fortunately, I became fiercely defiant and determined to make it through to the other end because of it. To buckle under the intense pressure is an equally valid option however and I fully understand just how you could. And there’s no blame attached to anyone that happens to.

These days I am mostly being responded to in what you might call my correct gender. Men act accordingly in general and women are pretty much always fully accepting. I will still always enjoy the helpful little smiles of strangers that just confirm I’m OK with them. It’s tremendously comforting to reach that acceptance. But as strange as it may seem, I slightly miss that being labelled as somewhat “Other”. I just knew exactly where I stood on that planet. And I was able to be prepared for it. Trust me, I was always ready. There’s so much more to be learned in my new world. But it’s already feeling a little nicer.

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3 thoughts on “Stockholm Syndrome

  1. “The reality is that people will pass comment on you within hearing distance. As if they have the right to do so.” — oh i know, ive walked from my house up the street in a kilt, with a beard. and definitely angry enough to confront/argue/attack someone for what was said, but fortunately i was smart enough not to.

    believe me, i got that part of what you were saying. i may have responded to the part where i read more into it than you actually said, but i got that part. anyway, cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not sure you’ve understood what the post was about. I’m not requesting scrutiny in any way, shape or form. I never was but it came anyway with the reality of being a Trans Person in the real world. The reality is that people will pass comment on you within hearing distance. As if they have the right to do so. To have less of that is certainly an improvement but the experience of it made me stronger.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. i can be a little scrutinizing if you want– i dont dislike you though. ive been called a “chaser” at least once, which i take great offense to, because its an attack on my sincerity and humanity. and if i *wasnt* sincere, it would be easier to avoid the accusation.

    what do you wish people were more critical of? i realize you havent posted a real wish list (and you should be careful what you wish for?) but you know, its a conversation. im glad that youre feeling more at peace, though. peace can be underrated at the oddest of times.

    Liked by 1 person

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