The title of this post is not an existential cry for help. I just couldn’t decide what to blog about this time. And so I’ve let the first song that came to mind decide for me. So far, so good.
I never know entirely what’s going through my head but subliminally this is a belter of a choice for my subconscious to throw me.
I am very much not the man I used to be but I am me. And I wouldn’t be who I am without the man I was either. I never want to forget or fail to acknowledge that. Or everything that he gave me.
I did in all fairness warn you I had no idea where this was going. Both versions of me really do hate this time of year. It’s about togetherness and all that is good. But since I began life as a Transgender Female it has only really been a reminder of loss.
I do miss everyone I am estranged from. Daily. Sometimes hourly. Not at all in a debilitating way. That would probably end me. But I do pretty much manage to carry on by believing that the good will eventually out. And that is surely an acceptable, almost festive, premise. There is always hope.
When I look at my life, it’s really not how I ever imagined it would be. But it is pretty good. I manage to enjoy my life each day. I have people I love. And I think I have the same back. More than enough to make each day worthwhile.
And while this is a bit stream of consciousness for a change, I’m not at all sorry to put those feelings out there. Chris gave me some things, turns out Chrissy has other things to give me. And life is very much what you let it be. There is one thing I do like about this particular time though. The end of a year approaches and pretty soon everything will start to feel possible once again.