Transition

Time To Bite The Bullet

I unexpectedly met one of my brothers a week or so ago. We didn’t speak at all. It was a ludicrously painful situation that I could never adequately describe to you.

Separated by two feet, it may as well have been two thousand miles. Probably only a thirty second encounter in the lobby of a local bank but it felt like forever. And although I was with someone, it was a moment I felt truly alone.

Not that I am ever alone at all but it’s easy enough to come over all melodramatic when you are literally blanked by your own brother. I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I was OK. That hurts. A fair bit if I’m totally honest. And I’m a more emotional being than I often admit.

But this isn’t going to be a sad little post. If anything it was a truly galvanising moment. I allowed it to happen as much as he did and now I know exactly what to do next.

Which is just contact him. It’s entirely within my power and I have nothing to lose. We can’t speak less than we currently do and I choose to believe that like me, he maybe had no clue where to start the conversation.

But now I finally do. It starts with “Sorry”. Not for being Transgender but for handling telling him so badly and hurting him deeply in the process. I can’t take that back and it kills me. And right now, he has no idea how much.

I’ve decided a letter is the best choice. It may lead to nothing but I’ll know that I tried. And he’ll hopefully know that I care whether he responds or not. That seems a safe enough risk to me. Too long has passed already.

Regardless of whether it works out, I will always love both my brothers. I’m not willing to do nothing any longer though. I am hopeful. And scared. If not terrified. But there is a phrase which is starting to feel like a personal mantra to me. There is always tomorrow. One day will be that tomorrow for us.

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2 thoughts on “Time To Bite The Bullet

  1. Definitely do write to him. And continue to do so often, whether or not he replies. He might be stubborn at first but I have no doubt that he will be missing you as much as you will be missing him, and persistence on your art may make it easier for him to bite his own bullet and allow you back into his life. Good luck! x

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